Broken now Mended

Last Breath

2008-07-13T05:05:03Z

This is my last words here. I have a lot to say and I hope the person who I based all my other entrees on will read this at one point or another.
Everyone knows by now, that Justin and I have broken up. It's been almost a full year since it's happened and I owe it to him to say this.
When my parents separated, it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. It felt like a major part of me died that night when I found out. My view of love, happiness, God, and myself... all changed that night as well. This point in time I was friends with Justin. To me, love was a very strong word. Actually, love to me, was a word that didn't exist anymore. Justin and I started going out March 19th 2007. We broke up during the middle of October. We went out for 7 months. Those seven months had some great times and some awful times. For me, there were more awful times. I was looking through all my old journals the other day... and I realized that I didn't love Justin. I was in love with who I thought Justin was. You know, sometimes, when you're hurt SO badly inside you want to believe certain things even if deep down isn't true.

It did matter to me whether or not I would see his face the next day.
It did make me feel better having him to talk to.
I did enjoy the fact that he found me attractive and loved me.
I did care about Justin.
I did care a lot about him

I thought I loved him.
Who I thought he was.
And a part of me will forever love who I thought he was.
But when I found out later on, through long nights, tears, and arguments, I really tried to still love him. Even if he wasn't who I had thought he was.

I was never... in love with him though.

I think I wanted to love him. I wanted so badly to prove my parents but mostly to myself that it was possibly to love and to stay in love. As time went on, days felt like weeks. Weeks felt like months. Each month and each anniversary with Justin felt like a year. Time felt so long because we both dragged each day and week and month behind us. We talked about it too much I think. We talked about our problems, our fears, and our poor attempts to succeed in certain things, more than we talked about our happiness. I think I wanted to love him so much because my previous example of love had failed and I believed that no matter what or how hard it gets, I could still love him. But I found, and what I realized, and what I hate to say, is that, people change. Life happens. People come in and out of your life for reasons. BELIEVE me. I didn't want to leave him. I felt safe with him. I felt like he was the only person in the world who loved me. Who cared. Who actually wanted to be with me. But. The only most important thing I couldn't find in him was my happiness. That something was missing. Later on I found, that I couldn't find it while I was with him.

I also think we both wanted to help each other out and to be there fore each other. Because we both had never had someone there, for so long, when we needed them, who wanted to help.

There were times where things were good. Every relationship does. If you didn't you wouldn't be in that relationship.

I know that my reasons for asking Cassie to convince him to break up with me was my being afraid that he'd hate me, like he said he would, the first time I tried to break up with him. That can be my fault. I wish I did things differently. I wished that I told J.D. the night we were both counting out in Frans office that I liked him and how being with Justin was killing me inside. That I would have been strong enough to just tell Justin that I had enough. I was done. I couldn't cry every night because of him.

I'm over him.
I've been over him since the day I first suggested us to break up.
I wasn't over though, with being friends.

But once we broke up, it was like everything I thought he was shattered. I saw him for who he really was.

He manipulated me.
He hurt me.
He guilt me.
He knew what he was doing the entire time.

As much as he didn't want to be Alicia, they had a lot of similarities.

Justin,

This isn't supposed to attack you. It's just trying to let you know that I did what I had to do. Whether or not you think it was the "right" decision or not, or even if you don't care, it helped me. We were best friends before we were together. Even though I selfishly, don't want you to be happy because you hurt me, there's a small part of me that hopes you are and will find someone good. We both have changed a lot during this year. I think that it ended up being the best thing for us. I wanted my time to be mad at you. Because, when I was with you, I was too shy, and too stupid, to let myself. I'm not done yet. I want to be angry with you for a long long time. Even though I don't like you, my promise to you has never been broken. People make fun of me because they think I still care about you. To an extent, that is true. Now, I could care less about you. But, when I was with you, I cared, and I made you a promise that I should still care about. You're secret. The one only you, your real mom and dad and step mom know besides me, will be forever kept. I think I owe you that much. That is that. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for myself.

And the last thing I wanted to say to you.

You did help me through a lot, and for that, I thank you.
But like I said before, your good qualities just didn't compare to your faults.

And some things tha i'd like to throw in your face:

J.D. is the best thing that has EVER EVER EVER EVER happened to me
You were wrong.
There are guys willing to wait for me.
For when I'M ready.
Which is the day I marry.

I hope you feel really stupid for calling ME naive when

I'm still a virgin because I want to be and because the person I'm with, J.D., unlike you, respects it.

You're still a virgin because no one wants to be wth you.

and PLEASE,
I'm NOT your sloppy second.

Tell yourself what you want
but eventually, in the end, I'm the same sweet, innocent, little christian girl, who is extremely happy without you.

bleh

2007-07-04T01:59:30Z

you know sometimes life just sucks
and when you want something it's the only thing you cant get
and when you need something it's gone in a flash

whc?
whf?
or will hfall?

we'll see tonight.

man i really really thought today would have been better.

bye guys

pre-chorus

2007-04-12T23:15:38Z

daddy please..
take away my tears don't make them fall..

bored? much.

2007-04-04T02:33:04Z

Well today. It started off with my dad waking up late again. We left the house on time.. but i had what... 8 minutes to get ready? lol... yea. So we drove to the meeting. The principle was really nice. I don't mind going there anymore. I want to. The main reason didn't want to was because I was leaving everyone of my friends in ophs. Especially Justin. And I still don't want to go to oak view because of that.. but oak view.. yea, it's my fault.. but i think it'll work out for the best. I have so much time to work on songs now for the two cd's i'm doing. so that'll be perfect. But anyway, it was so weird to so my mom and my dad in the same room. My mom did the most talking. My dad just sat there and listened. I'm apparently going to be apart of the clean team. well.. at least i'll get to go bowling. The office was in the bungalow. The highschool... it's so small. It's crazy. It's going to be really different. Even though I HATE different.. it's a fresh start. I'm not planning on making "friends" there. I have my friends. I just want to go there, take my classes to make up credits, leave, go see everyone, and then go home and work on my music stuff. I'm going to fix this and i'm going to prove to everyone there that i will graduate from ophs. The principle said "well.. that's a nice goal to have." He only said that because he didn't want to put any extra pressure on me. unlike my parents. I WANT to graduate from ophs. It is possible. Especially if i go to summer school and take a couple online courses. no biggy. so i have nothing to worry about. When i finally went to school, i went to math. Lacey was in my seat. MY seat. The one CLOSEST to the door in the VERY back row. MY seat. I sat in the empty seat in front of her. The second seat closest to the door and the second to the last row. I don't know why it bothered me so much. Well.. actually I do. I for one, don't like Lacey. And the fact that it was lacey, i wanted to go up to her and say "move". She probably would have done it too. So i sat there. It was a completely different view than from what i was used to. I couldn't see the board because of that guy's head. So that irritated me even more. Adam doesn't talk to me in that class anymore and i'm glad. because he's so... adam. I don't want to talk to him if all we talk about is whats up. nothing you? nothing. cool. yea. OKAY NO. it's a waste of time. adsfjsdklfjds. So for the rest of the period since we were doing nothing, i wrote a song. yippeeee. When 1st period was over i walked over to the benches and saw everyone and talked a bit about the meeting. Justin stole lauren away so i wasn't able to show her the song i wrote... so yea. that stunk. lol then during world history, we watched the rest of the movie. that class went by really fast. I talked to trevor and ryan for a bit so that was cool. Durning lunch.. okay. I can not eat when people are looking at me.. i can't. because i think to much about it and it freaks me out. i just can't do it. and it's not fair because they both know that i can't and they tease me about it. ahjfhjksdharjksdhf. ugh. it frustrates me lol. then lauren and justin went off and i choked on air while listening to ariel and lexy talking. lol it was a fun lunch. biology, the test, i did probably really bad. i wrote it in my assignment note book that i had the test and to study for it.. but i forgot to look at. so yea.. i should probably work on that. after school, i was talking to everyone and then i walked with lauren to her house and we talked about how her day was. so.. yea. When i came back, justin was with braden and then braden left and then me and him started talking. He didn't want to talk about his day... so we talked about the stories her wrote. All really good. I didn't tell him the mean girls ending. he also took my phone. He then started talking about how i changed when he took it and stuff like that. okay. I wasn't mad that he took it. I honestly don't care. Its just a habit that when someone takes my phone, i want it back and i'll try to take it back. He put it behind his back. It's not like he was going to DO anything to it. It wasn't like
i didn't want him to READ anything or whatever because i don't care. He could read whatever he wanted. The reason why i changed and got kind of serious was because before he put it behind his back it looked as if he was looking at my screen savor. it's not a biggy. I mean it's just a picture.. but when he looked at it, i felt retarted and pathetic lol. I mean... idk i just got really shy and didn't want him to look at it anymore lol because i felt really pathetic that i had put that picture up. ahh it's hard to explain. but yea. that's why. why didn't i just say that before? i have absolutely no idea. Then we finally got to his day. i'm glad he told me.. i just.. idk i don't think that he wanted to tell me and i kind of forced it out of him.. idk if i should have done that. It kind of got on to religion. I have my own views. so i of course am going to think differently than he does about certain things. But anyway.. he left to find mr. henderson and i walked home. my dad picked me up and now im in brent wood. so far great day.

mehh.. boring day

2007-04-03T07:37:28Z

well... today was interesting. Lauren wasn't mad. Ariel after school. Justin after school.... :] man. I HATE that i'm so shy. i hate hate hate it. adfjjsdklfjasdklfjds.
I can't even pull him close to me. why? ughhhh. idk. i'm not really sure.. like i might have a couple ideas on why... like possibly... because i don't trust myself very much.. but yea. anyway. My dad now knows justin is my boyfriend and that I'm going to oak view. tomorrow we have another meeting. oh goodie. ... sooooo my dad changed. in the whole 7 weeks i haven't seen him. he changed. for the better. he smiles now. he laughs now. i actually WANT/DONT MIND talking to him. He changed. I really thought that he was going to yell at me for a lot of things that happened tonight. but he didn't. he must be on drugs. lol no im kidding. he also apologized for missing my marathon. He won't tell me why he missed it. He just said "i can't explain it right now" me:"is it bad?" him:"ehhh.. I'll explain it some other time." hmmmmm.... could he have made a really stupid mistake with that chick on the phone and realized what he did and couldn't face me and everyone? ...i hope thats not what had happened.. but who knows. this world is filled with surprises. especially bad ones. I really wanted to write more about what happened today. like everything that had happened after school and justin's story that i read. which is btw extremely good. but im so so so so tired. so i think im going to go to bed. :/ ttyl

April Fools? sadly... no.

2007-04-02T05:00:14Z

If only the news I heard was a joke. A joke that everyone could laugh and talk about later. My dog died. I just found out today that he had died last week. I don't know all the details. I can't bring myself to ask. All i know is that Harley isn't here. On the car ride I couldn't look at the moon. I couldn't look at the sky. The stars. Because if I did. I would start crying. I couldn't cry. I needed to be strong. For my brothers. I fell asleep. I finally got into my dad's house. It's hard to be in my room because Harley's bed is still in here. In the middle. Like always. Where it will ALWAYS be. When i came up to my dad's house. Harley wasn't there to greet each and everyone of us. He wasn't there to run into the kitchen, grab a toy, and follow either me or my brothers until we played with him. He's not here to where when i'm on this very computer that he will nudge my arm signaling that he want's attention. He's not here. I look at my carpet. I can tell where he walked. Where his favorite spots to be were. I miss him so much I can't possibly explain. When I was in 5th grade. When I had first moved here to California. My parent's told me and my brothers that if we had our room cleaned for 3 whole months then we can get a dog. My brothers and I wanted a dog. So we cleaned our room and kept it clean for 3 whole months. Our parents weren't ready to buy us a dog after those three months. But we were always praying. Praying for the perfect dog for our family. We finally went to the Agoura Shelter for rescued animals and found our perfect dog. Well.. Garrett found our perfect dog. Harley. He was 10. Older, but perfect. We got Harley when I was in 8th grade.
A year later, my parents told my brothers and I that they were going to be seperated. Harley was the only thing I had. The only thing that was constant. He was my best friend through everything. When my dad would yell at me. Harley would find the most perfect time to come inside my room and lay down next to me making weird noises that would fill the room with peace. He was also naughty and would steal food off the table when we werent looking. He reminded me of scooby doo. The way he ran when he was trying to run around a corner. He was my favorite dog. The thing that I hate is that now that he's gone, i feel like... Harley.. who represented our family. Who represented our family's love. Our family's heart. When the separation and the divorce happened, he was the only one who didn't change. He was our family's heart. And now that our family's heart is gone.. i don't know what's left of our family.
My dad had written me a letter and left it on my desk. I opened it. and... I read it. I started crying. He really is proud of me. He really doesn't think that i'm a disappointment to him. He really does love me and care about me. He wasn't mad at me. He wasn't sure how to handle all the emotions he was going through which made him stress and mad. But he said it was never because of me. I had nothing to do with anything. He said that he hopes he didn't fail me. fail me?...
I don't know what to do. I didn't see Harley for almost 6 or 7 weeks. Now... i won't be able to see him ever again. He wont be able to wake me up at 4 in the morning because he was snoring or barking in his sleep while moving. He won't be doing all those really cool tricks i taught him. He was my baby. the ninja-slobber, nacho smelling, amazing dog that I could have ever asked for. I'll always miss you..

a couple old journal entrees

2007-04-01T10:55:53Z

I haven't written in here for a while. So i'm going to type some of the recent journal entrees from my journal that i had to write for english but didn't send in for my own reasons.

3/7/07
I love him. That's why I don't grieve that she's gone.

3/8/07
School started off fine. My math teacher i can tell likes me more than he did last semester. I guess that's what happens when you actually do the work. I'm guessing during nutrition Justin was worried that he had lost the bracelet Alicia had given to him. At lunch, Justin was really... I don't know. Something was wrong. He didn't talk to cassie about it but told Ariel. Justin didn't tell me what was wrong either. Just "a bunch of stuff" so whatever. I hated how cassie is all over him. Ever since Alec has been gone she switched to Justin. After school Lauren and I started talking. She was sitting down by the tree and i was standing. Justin and Ariel come up. Ariel went to Cassie and Justin came up to me and hugged me. wow. I was surprised.. I didn't expect that. He said "i love you soo much." I wanted to say that I loved him too, but lauren was there... and I just.. couldn't. It felt so good to be hugging him. It seemed (at least for me) needed. Later, I talked to him on aim. We were talking about who was wrong and who was right. He's wrong because he is much better at writing poetry than I am. I don't think mine are... bad... i think that they're okay. Average i guess. He on the other hand.. I don't really know how to explain it... or word it.. but it has soo much depth to it. So much emotion and power behind every word that he uses that makes it ...amazing. I don't know.. i can't explain it the way i want to.. but it makes sense in my head. All i know is that he's amazing. I can't even compare. But yea. he's wrong. :] Then the phone call. We talked a bit about lunch. He wants to feel comfortable with himself? I never knew he didn't like how he looked THAT much. He's perfect in my eyes. Then we talked about Alicia and the bracelet she gave him and some other things. After that, i forced myself to ask him the question i have been DYING to know for months. Does he still like Alicia? His reply shocked me. Does he care for her? yea. But he wouldn't go out with her. OMMMG. I was smiling the ENTIRE time. I tried to keep it cool though. I tried so hard to refrain myself from jumping up and down. Even though he doesn't like me, the fact that it's not Alicia.. made me want to jump and scream YES!

3/9/07
What could be the BEST thing that could EVER happen to me? Well....... today, i found out that Justin likes me! ..im not supposed to know that. guhhhhhh. why? because if he knew that i knew because cassie told me, then he would kill cassie. This CANT be happening. I had to run my hands under hot water and pinch myself several times to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I swear. I almost started crying when she told me. I have liked him for SO long... this just can't be happening. It seems too good to be true. So for now on, niko's is my favorite restaurant. when ever i go there, i will sit in that very same chair and order the exact same thing. :]]]]]]] omgomgomgomgomgomg. like.. i can't even begin to describe how happy i am. i feel like i just took a lot of happy pills hahaha. lol i can't stop smiling. Well... Monte Carlo is tomorrow.. hopefully.. Idk something good will happen. adjkfhdkjshafjsdkhfkdajshfsd :]

3/10/07
OMG! omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!!!! okay. sorry.. i had to get that out of my system. Monte Carlo. :] Before it started, Cassie and I had gotten there early. We were both drinking monster. heheee. We were waiting for Justin. And when he came, he sat next to me and right across from cassie. I was quiet because i didn't know what to say. I didn't really feel like talking. I was just thinking over and over no way. he can't. can he? When we got inside, Justin couldn't because he didn't have a shirt with a collar. Stupid rules. He came back, and he looked amazing. Later, we left our table in search of cassie's crush. the "emo p.e. man" When I was getting up, he lent out his hand and i took it for a couple seconds but then let go when i was standing. I felt like a huge wave of electricity had just shot through my body. All because I touched his hand? man. I'm pathetic lol. Cassie started laughing at him a lot because she knew he likes me and laughed at him. (I still wasn't supposed to know) He kept telling her to shut up. lol After a while of her telling him to just ask me out he kind of got irritated. Then she sat down next to me and texted me saying "can i just tell him that you like him so that he knows why i'm telling him to ask you out so much?" big decision. I said after a while... "yea. just do it." i was sooo nervous. So she did. Apparently, he was so happy, he started twirling lol When they came back, a slow song was almost over. Cassie tried to make Justin and I dance together. It didn't work because the song ended. We both kept smiling. I tried not to.. but it was REALLY hard lol. His parents took me and cassie to cassie's house. Justin gave me a really short hug. its fine. Cassie and I talked for a LONG time lol and ate wendy's and then she took me home. ahhhhh. it was such a cool night.

3/11/07
not much had happened today. Lauren came over. It was fun. We went places. lol and talked a lot. then she went home around... 5sh. thats all i remember.

3/12/07
So in the beginning of school, i was a little scared to go by the benches. I was so nervous. Especially because i was guessing that everyone knew. I sat down next to lauren. Justin got up and touched my shoulder as he walked by. Then he came up to me again saying "well..I have to go to class...so..." I stood up to hug him but my foot was was on the ledge and my other foot actually on the ground so when we hugged, we kind of did this almost half spin thing. yea.. lol. At lunch, we didn't really talk much. Reason? ...I was being shy. After school I apologized for being so quiet. Then, we talked for a bit, he went into the library, I walked home, I went to my lesson, called him, we talked. He asked me "If there was one question you could ask me, what would it be?" I could have came up with a better question.. but at the time i was wanting to know what he thought about monte carlo. He said that he felt like he was extremely under dressed. He also said that I looked beautiful. We haven't talked about each other liking each other yet. MAN. I want him to ask me out already. -_- yes yes. i know i'm being impatient. :]

3/13-16/07
I didn't write.

3/17/07
I woke up to Cassie's bird. "pretty bird!!" ugh. Eventually Cassie woke up. She checked her phone. "mel... alicia is back." My heart fell. "what?" Alicia's text: Hey! I'm in town for like 2 days so i got my phone and i want to talk to you, but i doubt youre up at this hour so texting. call me whenever u get the chance <33 no way. Is Justin psychic? He just said yesterday/last night "even if she came back tomorrow... nothing would change." This couldn't have been happening. So. She's in town for two days. just great. Cassie called her. (... I wasn't there) so they talked. I listened to what cassie said and kind of heard what alicia was saying. nothing really. Things she would have normally said. After they hung up, Cassie and I went to I-hop. :] I popped a balloon. I also had to make sure lauren was able to go to the concert thingy around 1:00pm. soo... that took a lot of cell phone time. Cassie dropped me off. Lauren came over. We went to starbucks. Talked a bit until my mom told us to get in the car so we can go to Connies. When we got dropped off at Connie's, I saw brianna(who if i didn't see at nikos a week or two ago i wouldn't have seen her for almost a year) yea. she was like she always was. snobby. Good thing i'm on her good side... I also saw nicole. Who i haven't seen in 3 years. Brianna cut her hair and died it. Nicole.. never again. Then this new girl came. I forgot her name but i know that it sounded really cool. Lauren met everyone. Lauren also got to see that most of them were kind of like.. snobs but in their own kind of way cool. Lauren also met chad and kyle and that other guy... i forgot his name. The entire time i called him "that guy" not to his face. To his face i said "hey... you.." yea that worked out fine lol. So that guy and chad were hanging out with me and lauren for a whole 46 seconds. no i didn't actually count. It's just a guess. Chad apparently wanted to watch the skateboarders and that guy didn't think chad knew me. long story. okay.. not really but its hard to explain so i'll leave it at that. Once they ditched us, we went into the library. it was fun. Then the concert started. The first band was really good. Lauren was in love with the guitarist. After a while, i met up with lauren, and we saw that guy and chad again playing hacky sack. I learned how to play. I suck really badly. but that doesn't mean i don't KNOW how i'm supposed to play... lol. Then after a while, the first band with the guitarist that lauren thought was hot, came outside. Lauren was too shy to ask if we can take a picture with them. So I asked. It's not like i'm ever going to see them again, so why not? Lauren was soo happy when she had her picture with him. Then we bought t-shirts and stuff like that. We met up with everyone and started heading towards the car. When we were on the road and almost back to Connie's house so everyone can get picked up, we stopped at a gas station. That's where i figured out that guy's name. max. he made fun of me a lot. Then dissed me. Brianna said "you know.. if that's your way of flirting, you're doing a really bad job of it." Everyone started laughing at him. poor guy. lol. he said he was only kidding and i know he was and it wasn't like it was a good diss. it was over teeth. yea. bogus. lol Then when we got to Connie's, she took me home. Max said goodbye by shaking my hand. lol. It was really funny. We dropped lauren off. When Connie took me home, nobody was at my house. My mom told me several times to call her phone to make sure that she was awake. She said that she'd be home. She wasn't. The house was empty. I didn't look in closets or really much in the bedrooms. too many scary movies. So i called Connie up. She said that she'd pick me up and take her back to her house. Where was my mom? it's not like her... garrett started crying. I never saw him cry like that in so long.. he was really scared that something happened to her and kept saying "she better be out with Jed.." Connie came and took garrett and I back to connies. Dillon was at a friends house. So for a while I talked to chad and his dad in the living room until my phone rang. It was my mom. ugh. bout time. She was like "why aren't you guys home??? and blah blah." My mom was with Jed. Jed and her were going to pick us up. thanks for the update. you could have called earlier. The car ride was awkward. no one spoke. When we got out i said thanks to Jed and went into my moms house and into my room. Then I talked to Justin. Who always makes my day no matter how bad it was in the beginning amazing in the end.

3/18/07
Today, I woke up to my mother. "Melissa! Get out of bed! We have church!" me:"I'm atheist. Let me sleep. I'm tired." her:"you're not funny. Get out of bed or you're not doing anything for the rest of the day. As usual, that got me out of bed, dressed, and into the Calvary building. I never go to the class. The high school class. I'm supposed to, but i never do. I'd rather listen to the voice of the man giving the sermon in the main auditorium through the loud speakers installed in the girls bathroom. I sit on the perfectly clean counter and just listen. NO one comes in wich is perfect. So i can actually pay attention. The blond girl didn't show up there today. I miss our last chat we had the last 3 weeks when i was here last. When the sermon was over, i went near the other exit of the building and saw Carly, from my church group. And then found out she got side bangs. She looked great, I on the other hand. looked as though i had just got out of bed. well.. i can see how that would make sense.. Once I got home i started cleaning my room when I noticed I got a text from alicia saying "hey can you come over in 20 minutes?" So i started to head over there, I was walking a little too slow. 3 bikers passed me. I wanted to get to her house before shani got there. SO i could talk to alicia alone. But it was almost 3:00pm so i sprinted the dirt trail in order to be there on time. When i got to her house, she met me outside. she looked the same. As if she never left. She was like "hey!" like she normally did. When we got inside, she said "you died your hair." me:"yea. you did too." her: "yea. so, you look tired. Want water?" me:"please" We went into the kitchen and she handed me a cup of water and she stared at me while i was drinking. When i put the glass down, i noticed her eyes. They were so brown. so brown. with the black eyeliner, her eyes were sooo brown. THen she was like "so, whats new? what have i missed?" me:"nothing really.. just the stuff you most likely know by now. Alec going to Oak view, shani leaving the group as well as brittany, things with cassie and stuff." her:"what's new about you?" At this point my mind was going crazy. Did justin tell her about us? no. no... he didn't i'm sure of it. Did he expect me to tell her? Did he want me to tell her? Is it wrong for her not to know? so yea... me:"nothing really. normal drama stuff" her:"huh.. well, let's go to my room so we can talk." me:"your room looks the same. lol" her:"yea well.. it was clean when i got here.. but you know me." me:"have you seen anyone yet?" her:"no. i wanted you to be the first one i see." me:"oh.(feeling a little guilty for hating her...)have you talked to justin yet?" her:"yea. for two hours." I felt my jealousy growing but told myself to shut up because i'm being stupid. me:"cool. DId you guy's catch up on a lot of stuff?maybe he told her... her:"yea." that's helpful. me:"how are you doing? any better?" her:"still here" that's it? still here? what a great answer.. Shani comes over. Things become awkward. You can't talk when shani's around. She doesn't care. All shani wanted to do was take pictures. soo... thats what we did. until 4:30pm when shani left. I stayed longer b/c alicia wanted to show/tell/talk to you about something. her:"do you still like justin." okay... obviously..she didn't know. me:"yes" her:"we have a problem." me:"you like him too." her:"...yea." i knew it i knew it i knew it bout time she admitted it. She pulled out some envelopes. her:"here.. read" It was a letter sting had sent her in february. "blah blah i don't remember.. I love you. You're knight, Justin." I literally felt like i had exploded. This was just in february. He loves her??? He still uses the nickname for her. she's his princess. great. so... what is it that i am? A replacement until she comes back? ugh. I hated being there pretending that i didn't know sting loved me and not her and being there with her thinking that he was madly in love with her and that when she comes back, they'll be together and live happily ever after. her:"I don't know what to do...because you like him too.. and now this is a triangle. me:"I don't know either.. I want you to be happy..." her:"but.. I want you to be happy. see? this isn't really working." I am happy.. i am. He loves me. ...right? After a while, It was time for me to leave. SHe hugged me. really really tight. i could feel her nails pressing down into my skin. Not too hard though. She's scared. it seemed like she didn't want me to leave.. when i left her house.. everything hit me. I started crying. I couldn't stop. I ran to the trail. I found a big oak tree and started kicking it. THen i just fell to the ground unable to breathe. Alicia is leaving tomorrow and i wont see her again for so long. Justin doesn't love me. He loves alicia. not me. not me. I called lauren. no answer. I called ariel. no answer. i called justin. "hello?" crap. why did i call him????? i can't talk to him... not.. yet. "hi" him:"hey. what's up?" I was silent. "you okay?" me:"I just came from alicia's house." him:"I was hoping to catch you before you did. How did it go?" me:"I don't know.. we talked about a lot of things." him:"like what?" me:"you swear you don't like her?" I was walking now.. afraid of the answer. him:"what's making you doubt that I don't." ughhhhh. he has to make this hard. me:"she showed me letters saying how she's your princess and you're her knight and how you love her..." him:"would you like me to explain?" me:"if you want." him:"would you like me to explain it?" me:"sure." he explained it. Most of it i already knew because alicia told me all of this stuff already. But he said a lot of things. Eventually, I stopped crying and i was at the school. Soon, it was better. I was okay. I was glad i called him. Then he asked me if he could meet me. i told him sure.. then he said something about "then you can see my new haircut" So i met him close by where we usually part after we walk home together. At first, i wasn't sure if it was him... but once i got closer, it was. His haircut, i like it. When we were walking, he all of a sudden grabbed a flower thing and gave it to me. It was really cute. SO we were walking and talking about random things. When we got near my house, we stopped because my mom was home and i wasn't supposed to be with him. he hugged me and after a while, we pulled away. and then he's like "do you want me to hold onto you longer? I was really shy but duuhhhh. lol. So we hugged again and i noticed again how good he smells. Later he left, and i went upstairs to my room. He called later, and we talked. I don't get it that whenever something bad happens... he's always ending up making me smile or laugh by the end of the day. I swear. it's like he's super man. lol :]

I'd write about what happened on monday-today... lol but it's too recent for this thing. :p

new list

2007-02-24T19:09:25Z

people who left for Oak View

1. Alec

2. Ashley

people who are leaving our "group" this year

1. Ariel

2.Braden

people who left because they were bored

1. Trevor

2. Brittany

3. Peter

4. Shani

people who got kicked out of "group"

1. kim

2. Sami

3. Morgan

4. Annee

people who got sent away

1. Alicia

people comming back next year

1. Alicia

people left in the "group" for next year

1. Lauren

2. Cassie

3. Alicia

4. Me

5. Justin

...I REALLY hate life...

in complete honesty

2007-02-20T08:49:33Z

so. this weekend. oh my god. I'll start from the beginning. A month or two ago, i read justin's blog on myspace. I hated what i read. I felt like i was nothing. That alicia was once again always going to be the only "good" friend to him. While i was reading my arm started to itch. sometimes when my room is too cold my arm turns red and starts to itch really badly. when i finished reading his blog... i didn't feel normal. I scratched my arm. At first to stop the itching but it felt good. so i kept scratching. peeling off skin. it felt good. I knew that it would hurt really bad the next day. thats why i didn't stop. I needed to feel pain away from my heart. i needed to. i couldnt take it. i felt like i was going to explode. so the first two days i wore a sweat shirt to cover my arms. it hurt like hell. the next day, i wore a short sleeved shirt. why? 1. i was tired of wearing sweatshirts. 2. so i didn't have to hide it anymore. 3. when people saw it, i could tell them that it didnt happen on purpose.

Lauren was the first person to see it. I told her i did it on purpose but i had no intension of doing it again. I also told her not to tell anyone. she promised. then the day afterwards, i wore a tank top and threw a ball back and forth with justin. i purposfully made it to where he saw my arm. once he saw it, he acted different. so i asked if he was okay. he said idk and i said why don't we talk. and so we talked. he was worried about my arm just like i planned. i told him that i had an alergic reaction and went out of control when i started scratching. he believed me. so then we were fine. i tricked him. i lied to him. but he didnt know so i was okay. I hated lying to him. i HATED it. but if i didn't lie.. i would have had to see his reaction. i would have had to see that his face expression change. i would have had to deal with him being disappointed. me doing the very thing that he's trying so hard not to do. i couldn't tell him the truth. no matter how much i wanted to. I didn't want him to think i was weak. like i couldnt handle my emotional pain. and to top it all off i couldnt explain why i hurt myself at that moment. thats why i lied.

now. this weekend. the reason why it's omg. on friday, lauren told justin that i did it on purpose. she TOLD him. I hated that she did. I had my reasons for not telling him. "but mel, i was scared shitless about you. you've been so depressed all week who knows if you have or still are." OMG! if only lauren could just STOP worrying about me. i'm pretty good with not breaking promises. i told her that i wouldnt do it again. that it was a ONE time thing only. im stronger than she thinks. anyways. she told justin and apparently he called ariel to ask her for advice so he would know how to handle this situation. she told him to do pushups and call me tomorrow. when justin hung up with her, i apaprently called her right afterwards wanting to talk. Ariel then told me that justin was going to talk to me about my arm. I talked to her about it. How to handle it. she didn't want to leave me blind sided. the thing that i hate, is that after i talked to ariel, i talked to lauren and she didnt say a word. she lied to me. so i made up a story about how me and kelly and paul were in this huge fight and how kelly told paul some secret that i told kelly not to tell and how kelly broke her promise. i made such a big deal about promises in order to make lauren feel guilty and crack. but she kept her mouth shut. what a friend right?

so on saturday morning, i ran 8 miles and during the entire time i ran i was thinking about how justin was going to act. if he was going to hate me for lying to him or if he was going to be disappointed in me if he was going to yell at me.. all sorts of stuff. then when i was done, i went back to my uncles house and played the piano. then, justin called. so we talked. he didnt yell. he wasnt mad. he just had questions for me to answer and started talking about how he was always going to be there and how he wants to help. i was crying during the entire phone conversation. i don't think he noticed. (thats a good thing by the way) he didnt hate me because i lied to him again. so when lauren called, i asked her why would she tell him that. and she gave her "i was worried about you mel" reason. i asked her why she didnt tell me. "i was planning on telling you today." me:"but you didn't feel like telling me last night when we were talking." lauren:"i was planning on telling you today..." me:"the thing that sucks lauren, is that Ariel was the ONLY person that cared enough to not leave me in the dark." so yea. i told her over and over again that i wasnt mad at her. but just... shocked but that i'd get over it.

so all weekend i hung out with kelly. saturday night to tonight. (i just got back)and didnt answer anyones phone calls. i needed to be away. away from the drama. so when i got to my dads house, i called justin. and we talked for a bit. then i called alec and we talked for a bit. then justin called again and talked for about a minute. then lauren called and we talked for a bit. then i called cassie and we talked for a while.

oh and also, i have two tests to last minute study on. world history, and biology. oh goodie. so yea. im screwed.

anyways. i hate drama. i hate it but at the same time, i like it. its hard to explain. like, i like some drama but TOO much drama is just too much.

I came up with some lists.

people who are leaving our "group" this year
1. Ariel
2. Alec
3. Ashley
4.Braden

people who are most likely going to leave because they're bored
1. Peter
2. Shani

people who left because they were bored
1. Trevor
2. Brittany

people who got kicked out
1. kim
2. Sami
3. Morgan
4. Annee

people who got sent away
1. Alicia

people comming back next year
1. Alicia

people left in the "group" for next year
1. Lauren
2. Cassie
3. Alicia
4. Me
5. Justin

...can't wait for next year..

So yea. i'm really really really tired. i'm thinking about going to bed. I have to wake up early. (im at my dads house)<----- I HATE HATE HATE what's happening to my family, but i'll save my rants for another time. yea. so.. goodnight.

going by so slow

2007-02-08T22:33:28Z

im at home. i should be at school. I was the first person to wake up this morning.
do you know how wierd that is? anyways. I leave my room and notice that nobody was in the kitchen. huh. thats odd... so i went upstairs to see if everyone was just playing the computer. no. so i go into my dad's room and he's ASLEEP. its 7:05 it takes almost an hour to get to school. i wake my dad up. he looks surprised. either i interrupted his dream and looked at me like "what the hec did you do?" or he was unsure if he was still dreaming or actually awake. so. i tell him "its 7... aren't we leaving?" (im perfectly ready to go.) and he goes "no.. i don't feel good." i said "dad.. your tired. you were up all night talking to that chick on the phone. get up." and he was like "go away" and so i left his room garrett and dillon finally woke up happy that they finally get to stay home and "ditch" school. I on the otherhand spent 2 fricken hours to get ready for school and WANTED to go to school but wasn't able to because my father was tired. -_-

so i went onto the computer. Shani's online. oh goody! i have someone to talk to. she doesn't reply. darn it. she's most likely still asleep. so i look for someone else on my buddy list. I find alec. no he's away. urg. this guy name george is online. im about to IM him. he signs off. just great. braden signs on. YAY!!! someone i know. i start talking to him. he leaves for school. :/ then i realize i have my phone. its 8:27 i think about calling lauren or justin or cassie or ariel. letting them know that i hate life and im stuck at home and i'll be bored all day and how lucky they are. i decide not to. why? im not sure. i guess i felt that since the bell was going to ring for them any minute.. why call? oh well. braden signs back on. how the hec did he do that? he signed on from his phone. ohhhh. so i talk to him. we talk about how boring his classes are. 11:11. i tell him to make a wish. he said "haha ok." so yea. i made a wish too. :] i always lose trake of time and never able to make a wish when it's usually 11:11 and today i did. so that was cool! ... i 12:00 braden goes to lunch. i decide not to bother him while he's hanging out with everyone. im so sweet... anyways.. he texts me saying "i hate english" i laugh at him. i laughed cus he has to suffer through english. haha. ok. back to whatever i was getting at. so then i go on myspace. looking through random bands that aren't even.. good or even known. then my key board doesn't work. and soon neither does the mouse. urrg. so i fix it. it took 15 minutes. i unplugged the wrong chords. smart one. so i get back and go here because myspace means having no life. so yea.

oh. i also wrote a poem lastnight. yay. i did it for my creative writting class. the hw assignment i was SUPPOSED to turn in today but wasn't able to go to school -_-
here it is. its not that good. you were warned.
.
.
.
.
.
.

knowing each other for years
going through the same thing
helping each other through our fears
holding onto thin string

the darkness that coveres our sun
the rain that constantly falls
hearing "well.. in the long run"
we don't care and put up walls

thinking about what we want
seems like its a little to late
we start to grow gaunt
ourselves we begin to hate

we don't do it for attention
as most people would think
we don't do it for acception
we're just standing on our brink

how can they do this to us?
we ask ourselves that everyday
but we go through it
a fake smile we display
.
.
.
.
yea. like i said, REALLY bad.

oh and i noticed something else that i've been doing all day.

looking in the fridge.
why?
i don't know.
you would think you would stop looking inside the fridge after the first time you realized there was nothing to eat.but like every half an hour i got up to see if MAYBE
something magically appeared. yea. i was dissapointed all 13 times. I've just been drinking soda all day. I should probably tell my dad (once he's not as tired to drive) to go to the store because me and my brothers are starving. oh well. hmm... dinner should be intersting. so yea. i think i'm going to stop for now, but once 8:00pm hits tonight, im going to write about what happened AFTER i wrote this. im a special child. i know.

knew but didn't know

2007-02-07T07:19:25Z

I entered an entirely different world today. The world of my past. I haven't been there for so long. But the weird thing was was that.. it wasn't a BAD part of my past. It was a part of my past that i haven't relived in forever. I kind of forgot that it even happened with only being focused on whats happening now. But like i said, it wasn't bad. It was good. I just felt bad that i couldn't remember everything.. that i couldn't remember his face. I couldn't remember him being there.. I just felt terrible. With him remembering so much.. and me not remembering him.. I felt terrible. But even though i didn't technically "remember" I remembered a couple of things that he talked about and with that i felt like.. we've been friends for a long time.. and i think life works out in strange ways because.. I didn't talk to him then. He didn't even live here at the time and yet now, years later, we're friends. Something at the time we both didn't expect. But idk.. just thinking about the place that we both were... it was so cool. That we knew each other without knowing each other. well, more like him knowing me and me not remembering him. but still.. it's weird to think about and on the other hand, it's really cool.

I just.. i think life is just odd. How everything works out in it's own time. And when you NEED something to happen.. or REALLY want something to happen it usually doesn't happen and then when you don't NEED it to happen or you don't REALLY want it like before, it happens and then you get stuck thinking.. what the hell. Why didn't this happen before. It's just odd. I love how today, i wasn't in a great mood in the beginning and now that it's almost the end of the day, im okay. The reason i'm okay? him.

He knows how to do everything right. He was there for me in the most perfect way i needed him to be. I feel like I'm not doing him the same. He said and did all the right things and idk he was just amazing.. and he said that he didn't know what he did but he did everything.. he was there the way i wanted. I just wish that i could have done the same for him.

After days of saying "im not ok.. i just don't want to think about it" to a lot of people, after what happened today, i feel like i can handle things. I can handle whats going on in my family. Today I'm okay because I have him. my best friend.